How you address someone must always be done with care lest anyone be offended. Tone aside, address in the US is relatively simple. Mr./Ms./Mrs. are relatively interchangeable with “Sir or Ma’am”. Asian Americans may throw in “Auntie/Uncle”. People who decline either will usually tell you how they want to be called. Even then, the honorific + name format is only for first usage. After that is the ubiquitous, equivalent “you”. For example, “Mrs. Smith, how are you today?”

Bahasa Indonesian address is profoundly more complicated (distinct from other local dialects with more differentiation). They have 2 ways to say, “I”…. and many ways to say, “you” depending on your age, social status, marital status, family status, etc. Further, your usage must be consistent. There is no universal “you” to fall back on or continue towards.

The address seems to be largely related to one’s age relative to your own. If one is obviously younger than you but roughly in the same age bracket, call them “adik”. If you address someone your age or slightly older, call them “kak”. Females much older than you are addressed as “Ibu” and males of any lifestage out of college prefer to be called “Pak”. If you really want to stay safe, you might address a person as Mba (females) or Mas (male).

Keep in mind that all these honorifics are for acquaintances. These are the titles given upon first meeting. First impressions can hinge on how you address another. If you call a person you just met “kamu”, you are being presumptuous, too familiar. Calling a young woman “Ibu” implies they are (or look) old. Calling a young man “kak” is okay, but calling him “Pak” shows him that you respect him as an adult.

The language changes as relationships deepen. You will know because the other will begin to refer to themselves as “aku” instead of “saya” (the different ways to say “I”). The change is an invitation to address them with “kamu”. Friendship is mutually signaled and established through a reciprocal exchange of pronouns.

The rules are apparently defenestrated when it comes to family. Husband and wife are “Bapak” and “Ibu” respectively, titles that we give to strangers we’ve met. I’ve yet to wrap my head around the idea that (1) the most intimate title is given to strangers; or (2) the most distanced title is given to our most intimate partners. It seems that the meaning of the honorific has changed according to marital status, but I can’t see from the outside looking in.

As with all relationships, the rules are messy. The terms are just as much based on the person as the society. What is good for one is not always good for another. I’ve found some who use “Aku” and “Saya” almost interchangeably. Some people prefer to be called by name. Others feel that using one’s name all the time keeps them at arm’s length. To deepen such a relationship, pronouns are the “you” of choice.

This inter-relational system is something of an emotional minefield to me. It is hard for me to know which I like better. On one hand, Bahasa Indonesia has theoretically clear linguistic signals for relational distance. Yet then I endlessly dissect what was said and when in a vain attempt to comprehend the progress of my relationships. On the other hand, English has a vastly undifferentiated language that treats everyone as an equal. The lack of obvious feedback almost always allows me to blithely assume the best even if untrue. It is highly plausible I’m just insecure. Every conversation is a minefield regardless of the language.

What makes it worse in Indonesia than America is that I am not entirely aware of the rules of engagement. It’s almost akin to attempting to play a boardgame without knowing the rules. The minutiae can make or sink your game even though the general principles are well known. In America, I at least knew where the mines generally were.

Proper address is a delicate dance that my two flat, left feet are ill-equipped for. I’ve already made all the aforementioned mistakes. Two rules have so far saved me:

(1) It never hurts to show more respect (until it does, but that’s a long ways away).

(2) People are nicer to foreigners who admit they are learning to talk.

Coda: Sir is Sir

Across from our new apartment is a warung, a small stall that sells things (often food, but not in this case). I went across to introduce myself to the two gentlemen sitting in front of the warung. The first appeared to be in his late 60’s and the second in his early 50’s. I said (in Bahasa Indonesia), “Hello! My name is Josh and this is my wife, Dana. We will move into this neighborhood soon!”

That was the last sentence that was close to smooth. The next 5 minutes were stop and go, with broken Indonesian followed by broken English followed by short consultations with Google Translate. Each gentleman was gracious and kind, encouraging us to keep learning by talking to people in the neighborhood (I think).

Right before we left, we asked for their names. The younger one said,

“Nama saya R********”.

“Ah! R********, senang bertemu!” (literally, “Glad to meet you!”)

I turned to the older gentleman. “Dan Pak?” (”And you, sir?”)

R********* interjects with, “Bapak!” (”[His name is] Sir!”)

We all shared a good laugh. We also all knew he meant it. I’ll call him Bapak for the rest of his days. Age has its benefits… for both of us.